I am worth.
I felt humiliated.
Here I was just asking for attention through little wants. For a text back, for a snap back, for an insta like.
These little wants consuming my mind and slowly inching towards my heart. Eating away at the true desires of myself.
Although I repeated it, "Jesus loves me." It came nowhere close to me actually living it out.
I still don't. It will take so long to dig myself out of the ritual of the everyday world, and climb my way up to the ritual of praising His name with my every breath.
I longed to hear His voice.
But my mind kept wanting to hear the bing of my phone to tell me that I was validated and I was worth attention.
But when no text comes, what is to come? Minute by minute I invalidate myself. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. Maybe I could have phrased it differently. Maybe they're too busy to deal with me. Maybe I'm not worth that 30 second response. Maybe I am not worth coming up with words for. Maybe I'm not worth the drive. Maybe I'm not worth...
Maybe I am not worth it.
But here I am. Showing my worth. Showing up at mass, hardly showing up to see Him in the Chapel, failing but trying so hard at my Rosary Novena. But oh, so ready to know my worth.
I am so ready to know that my worth is in the one who truly loves me.
The one that hears my every want and need and knows of something that will make it so much better, so much that what I want is obsolete. But understanding how to be open to His love is such a journey in itself.
I seek so much to drown out my impulses of texting the person I want attention from or going out of my way to make sure I am heard. Instead I want my attention on Jesus, who seeks me. I am worth His entire life and so are YOU dear friend. He tells me that at night when I fall asleep with the crucifix in my hand and every morning when I open my eyes to see Him still next to me. He awaits me. And I await Him. Only Him.
Here I was just asking for attention through little wants. For a text back, for a snap back, for an insta like.
These little wants consuming my mind and slowly inching towards my heart. Eating away at the true desires of myself.
Although I repeated it, "Jesus loves me." It came nowhere close to me actually living it out.
I still don't. It will take so long to dig myself out of the ritual of the everyday world, and climb my way up to the ritual of praising His name with my every breath.
I longed to hear His voice.
But my mind kept wanting to hear the bing of my phone to tell me that I was validated and I was worth attention.
But when no text comes, what is to come? Minute by minute I invalidate myself. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. Maybe I could have phrased it differently. Maybe they're too busy to deal with me. Maybe I'm not worth that 30 second response. Maybe I am not worth coming up with words for. Maybe I'm not worth the drive. Maybe I'm not worth...
Maybe I am not worth it.
But here I am. Showing my worth. Showing up at mass, hardly showing up to see Him in the Chapel, failing but trying so hard at my Rosary Novena. But oh, so ready to know my worth.
I am so ready to know that my worth is in the one who truly loves me.
The one that hears my every want and need and knows of something that will make it so much better, so much that what I want is obsolete. But understanding how to be open to His love is such a journey in itself.
I seek so much to drown out my impulses of texting the person I want attention from or going out of my way to make sure I am heard. Instead I want my attention on Jesus, who seeks me. I am worth His entire life and so are YOU dear friend. He tells me that at night when I fall asleep with the crucifix in my hand and every morning when I open my eyes to see Him still next to me. He awaits me. And I await Him. Only Him.
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