Nobody puts Jesus in a corner.

I was sitting in my minimalist white dorm room during retreat with about six other girls and our very intense small group leader. I was listening to these girls share how they went on the retreat because they had just gone through a breakup or really needed healing from a past relationship. And there I was... a little confused why I felt called on the retreat called "Capture my Heart." I hadn't gone through a Taylor Swift song breakup or been wronged by any specific man in my life. My heart was fine, a little dirty and scratched but definitely in one piece. And then it hit me. I was going over the state of my heart. I repeat, MY heart. I caught that right away. Who's heart?

I went over what I was putting this heart through, making up scenarios in my head about my vocation, and rereading scenarios of these interactions with certain boys and trying to do things to put my heart through that next step, that next goal, chasing the next feeling. Being in a spiritual desert was drying up my heart, it couldn't be quenched by the satisfactions of the world or my little goals and promises that I made to myself. I had started to come around to the idea that I was seeking what I thought my heart needed and in doing so it became so muddled and so cloudy that I couldn't focus on what or rather WHO my heart was actually beating for.

The intense small group leader who was sitting in the arm chair crossed her heeled feet the other way and smacked her red stained lips. She then shared something that changed my view of how Jesus looks at me. She said, "Imagine Jesus as this little boy who is just yearning for this girl's attention. He goes up to his Mama Mary and tugs at her robe telling her how beautiful this girl is. He tells her that He'd do anything just to get her attention. He is begging for it, in everything He does, everything He gives to this girl, He is just waiting for the girl to visit Him again (in adoration). He rejoices when the girl finally looks at Him and proclaims her love for Him. But still, the girl ignores him sometimes, but He still does everything He can to win her love."

Shook. My mouth gaped open as I closed my eyes and imagined myself literally shoving Jesus into a corner, pushing him out of my way so that I could focus on what I wanted to focus on. I replayed all the scenarios of me obsessing over boys and trying so hard to please other people and to reach the next thing that I wanted, and shoving Jesus out of the way to get to those things. Telling him that He had no place in those aspects of my life. Before this, I thought I listened to Jesus. I hadn't heard Him in a while, but I thought maybe He didn't have anything new to tell me. Well, I couldn't hear Him because I shoved Jesus into a corner! I literally told Jesus, "Okay this boy is cute, I got this Jesus, this is what you want, I'm gonna go for it just go into this corner!" In doing what I wanted and focusing on what I thought was best for me, I pushed Him aside and convinced myself that I had it all together. Yet, I was sitting there at every holy hour in the Port asking Jesus why He wasn't giving me the answers I wanted.

That retreat weekend allowed me to accept Jesus' love and mercy again. I owe so much to that retreat and that small group leader who could've toned it down. That weekend I took Jesus' hand again and pulled Him away from the dark corner I put Him in. He held me tightly and I felt His embrace, all whilst trying not to laugh at the shrieking girl who was singing next to me during every mass and adoration during the weekend.

Jesus is the one who truly owns the heart inside my chest, it beats for Him so that I may breathe His name, and sing His name upon my lips. The blood that keeps it alive flows through it's caverns and intertwines with the Holy Spirit who is consuming my very self a little every day when I witness His love and mercy. I urge you to ask yourself if you have also been making Jesus step aside. Ask Him to step out of the dark corner you put Him in, and step into the warmth of the heart that is truly His.